Dead Beat Dads

Dead beat dads. Who needs them? THEIR CHILDREN. I have personally not received a dime in child support from my children's biological father (or as they now call him - the sperm donor) since 1987. I was lucky. I was educated and I married a wonderful man who became the man they call "dad" and love dearly. Not all women are as lucky. So, does that let him off the hook? NO.

Sometimes they don't pay because they can't seem to hold down jobs, are alcoholics, drug addicts, in prison, or are just plain losers. But some, who own their own businesses, like mine does, CHOOSE not to pay in an effort to punish the mother - their ex-wife. What they don't realize, or if they do, they just don't care, is that who it hurts the most is the children. The children deal with severe abandonment issues that carry into adulthood. The children see it as a rejection of them, personally. Even though I have told mine time and again that it is not their fault, that he is trying to punish me and not them, and that it does not necessarily mean he does not love them (somehow in his own way - okay, I am doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt here), but none of that matters to the children. They still take it as a personal rejection from their father. My children are adults now - 26 and 30 years old, and neither of them have yet married and are both very leary of marriage and I do believe a great part of that has to do with the emotional scars caused by their dead beat dad.

On the other hand, my husband of the past 17 years has a son who he always paid his child support for, exercised ALL his visitation rights, and has kept a good relationship with his son throughout the years. This son is now 25, happily married, and has none of the abandonment issues that my children have dealt with since they were 4 and 8 years old. The difference a father makes in the life of a child is tremendous. Anyone who thinks that as long as they have a mother they will be just fine is wrong. Sure, there are exceptions to this, but I have learned over the years how very critical the relationship between father and child is to the development of the personality of all children. When I was a single mom, I had to be both mom and dad and it was hard. I don't know how we made it through those times, but we did. I am very close to my children and I actually pity my ex because he has really missed out and that time can never be recovered. Their childhood is long gone and they now live their own lives and he has no place in it. I could not imagine my life without my children in it.

So, if the intent to punish the mother was the reason for non-payment, it worked. I have been punished for over 20 years now by the sadness and abandonment that they have felt because of him. Nothing hurts a mother more than seeing her children hurt. We made it without him, but he still has an obligation to fulfill his debt and that never goes away. What I wonder most about dead beat dads is this: how do they sleep at night? I am very maternal. I cannot even imagine going through life NEVER seeing my children, not knowing who they are as people, not spending time with them, never knowing if they are hurt, dead or alive, not getting that hug and kiss or that call asking for advice or telling me some exciting news.

No Christmas or birthday cards or presents for all those years. No requests to see them or expressing any interest in seeing them. Moving around to avoid my attempts to collect child support must have been very expensive and tiring! When my kids turned 18, I told them that as long as I had their biological dad's address and phone number that any time they wanted to contact him, all they had to do was ask. I encouraged it. I thought it could help heal the scars they carry with them. But they have a dad who has raised them and loved them and been there for then through the good times and the bad times, and they pretty much say to me about their "sperm donor" the following: "I don't even KNOW him. Why would I want to have contact with him?" Although I can understand and respect their feelings, there is still a part of me that believes that if there was a chance of reconciliation, that they could heal the scars he caused by stabbing that knife of abandonment deep into the core of their very being. In other words, I would like them to have the opportunity to FORGIVE him in their hearts so that they could feel better in THEIR hearts. Unfortunately, neither of them has the slightest interest in him at all. Now that they are adults, there is simply nothing that I can do about that. They now make all their own decisions in life.

Their careers, their friends, their sense of humor, their interactions with each other, their dreams, philosophy of life, their beliefs, their accomplishments and failures - everything that goes with the raising of children, he has missed. He does not know them as people at all.

Dad beat dads miss ALL that and more. The children of dead beat dads eventually stop loving that missing parent, or go even further, and grow to hate him. That is not good for them either. Hatred in the heart hurts THEM - not the dead beat dad. He doesn't care.

Dead beat dads are the most pitiful of creatures. In the end, they hurt not only their children, but themselves as well. I can sleep at night because I have ALWAYS been there for my children. I wonder if he can? I wonder HOW he can...

Click on the dead beat dads label under this post to see how you can find that dead beat dad and hold him responsible for his obligations to his children.